What do we call a scene where your partner consents to sexual activity but begins to object whilst in the middle of intercourse and the partner just keeps going? Coercion? assault? violation? rape?
“do you trust me ?” He asked. Her lips said yes knowing her heart was split into two, so she fully opened up herself to him, convincing herself that she told no lie. She knew he could see it in her eyes that her soul and heart wasn’t right, but he uttered no words he carried on with his game. Everything was alright from the start up until he hit that part. She told him to stop or was it just in her head. He moved further in the level with his breath getting shallow, her heart beating faster whilst his score got higher. She swore her lips moved this time, “please stop” she said, or was it just in my head again. She could see his excitement like he was just about to score a goal, but she wasn’t having it, she wasn’t enjoying it, she didn’t want to engage. She pushed him to get his attention, to let him know she did not want to, the way things were going you would think all these efforts were all in her head. She pushed him again, that is when she broke down. That was the time when he realized he hurt her. “I’m sorry” he said.
Did he ask her if she was okay? No. Did she voice it to him that she wants it to stop? Yes.
If during consensual intercourse, one party begins to refuse to continue, asks for things to stop, or acts in such a way that can be identified as non-positive cooperation, then the intercourse must stop. Consent during a sexual act is sometimes less clear than you think, but I do believe that it is an ever changing agreement that has to be constantly re-negotiated. These moments are the ones that lead to the question, “are you sure you were not asking for it?” And now here she is blaming herself for leading him on, for pushing him too far to a point where he had to go rogue, and that is not fair.
VERBAL AND NON-VERBAL CUES MUST NOT BE IGNORED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes she was flirting, yes she accepted your invitation to your home. Maybe she did want to have sex. But at some point, she changed her mind or, at the very least, wasn’t sure how she was feeling. It wasn’t enthusiastic consent throughout, and at two different points, she objected, and you ignored that. What does that make you?
The way the rape culture is being portrayed nowadays, with the violent acts, lack of consent, it is when the woman is completely drunk, or between a powerful older man and a much younger woman, this has led to many men being ignorant to the fact that they are actually actively committing assault. The matter of consent is broader than what is actually being taught, it is ever changing and the second or third NO weighs more than the yes I gave you at the beginning. Society’s understanding of consent needs work. It actually goes back to the fact that most men feel entitled to the bodies of the female gender, especially once they are in a relationship with them, and that is just ridiculous.
There are a million ways to say no, and we need to stop ignoring them. We need to revisit “enthusiastic consent” consent itself as an agreement, or acknowledgment of permission. NOT just the yes at the beginning but visibly being psyched about the encounter from start to finish, no doubts or whatsoever. It’s important to remember that just because someone gave consent once, it’s not a “given” for any and all sexual activity going forward.
As broad as this topic may be, that is just my two cents.